Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
