If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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