My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
