I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize