okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
