Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
