I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
