I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
