So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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