I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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