Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize