LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
