I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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