god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
