After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize