I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
