You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I can't turn off my feet"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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