she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i already hear my dad disowning me
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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