Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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