my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
