i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
