new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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