No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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