fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
