I'm so fucking centered right now
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
