Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
