I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
