Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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