I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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