I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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