hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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