Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
