please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
