You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
