Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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