There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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