need another drink. this is the easiest way
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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