Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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