How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
