I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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