if i can run in heels then i can drive
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
