well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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