I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
