OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
