Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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