You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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