Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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