chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
