you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Say something about gay babies.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
