Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
