Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
