i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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