Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
