Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
