I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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