I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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