Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize