States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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