what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
