in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She's the barista slut.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
