yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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