Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
